


we are not ourselves

by Jay_Crow



Series: you can't explain (everyone wants you to explain) [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Autism, Autistic Logan, Character Study, Gen, Self-Acceptance, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 19:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14940024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Crow/pseuds/Jay_Crow
Summary: Logan has been having very complicated feelings for a very long time. It all comes to a head, but perhaps not the way you expect.





	we are not ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> This seems to have drifted in a slightly different direction than I was expecting. Oops? Hopefully it’s still enjoyable! I project onto Logan quite a lot, which might make itself obvious here.

Logan had been thinking, lately. This wasn’t particularly unusual for him, obviously, but he was considering subjects that he had pushed to the back of his mind for a long time. They were topics that, at the time, he had deemed either irrelevant or too emotionally charged for consideration. But now that the Sides were becoming closer and more tight-knit as a family (or famILY as Patton had managed to rope the others into calling it), they had started to come up again. 

Logan had never been especially… normal, even for a Side. He was aware that he struggled to connect emotionally and socially, and that he had other habits and traits that might seem… odd. He had difficulty reading facial expressions, tones of voice, and other forms of nonverbal language. He was sensitive to overly bright lights and the textures of some foods made him want to vomit. Logan kept to a strict routine, and deviation from it would result in… complications for the rest of the day (or sometimes week). 

He had always had a sense of isolation from those around him. This was related to his difficulty with social cues, but not completely. As Thomas, and therefore the Sides, had grown up, Logan found that he was not experiencing things that it seemed the majority of others did. At first, he attributed this to being a Side, but after hearing Patton gushing about his various crushes on people of all genders, he was forced to reevaluate this conclusion. He found himself feeling more and more cut off from the others in an (eugh) emotional sense. It only seemed to get worse as they got older. It didn’t help that the other sides teased in what was surely meant to be a playful manner about how robotic he could be. 

Logan had done research, of course. He had found words that described him, and why he was the way he was. He was just… hesitant to actually use them. They might be applicable, might explain things that he had been desperate to find answers for all his life, but he just… couldn’t. Because if he did, then that would make it real. Logan knew it was irrational, as he had always felt this way. It had always been real. But putting actual words that made sense to it, somehow that was both worse and better. At least there was a word, he wasn’t just some kind of ~~freak~~ anomaly, but having a word brought with it… expectations. Baggage. Stereotypes, in some cases. That was complicated, and emotional, and as Logic, not something he wanted or should have to deal with. And yet, staring at his laptop screen at these blog posts, he wanted it. Logan longed for that sense of belonging, of acceptance, within some group. He could at least admit that to himself. 

Everything came to a head one day. Logan had been working late into the night in a habit that he chastised in the others but regularly indulged himself. Do as he says, not as he does. Regardless, he was operating on suboptimal amounts of sleep, and as such was slightly… prickly. Everything was too much. The kitchen lights, which were normally a tolerable brightness, seemed to stab into his eyes. The sound of silverware scraping plates was like nails on a chalkboard. And his normal morning meal of toast with Crofter’s was suddenly completely unpalatable. After breakfast, Logan retreated back up to his room, fending off well-intentioned but grating concern from the others. He shut his door, locked it, put his hands over his ears, fell to the floor, and started rocking back and forth, humming to himself. Within a few minutes, he felt steadier than he had in days. In this moment, Logan knew that he couldn’t keep ignoring this. 

He practiced saying the words. He would stand in front of the mirror and repeat sentences to himself, scripting conversations in his mind (how had he never noticed that he did that?). Logan also worked on referring to himself and his actions with specific vocabulary as well. This was mostly internal. There’s only so much time a non-actor can spend talking to themselves in front of a mirror before it starts getting weird. Nevertheless, he was making progress. On what, he wasn’t entirely sure. Self-acceptance? Confidence building? Whatever it was, he was becoming more comfortable referring to himself as aromantic, asexual, and autistic. There were still areas of uncertainty. For instance, gender was still a mystery, but it was one that Logan was in no hurry to solve. He had enough on his plate at the moment, thank you very much. And besides, pronouns and such had always been a non-issue. Logan was perfectly fine the way he was. He very much hoped the other Sides would agree.


End file.
